When I was self medicating, I used the phrase "that wasn't my intention", A LOT. It shifted the focus, the blame, the misunderstanding on to the other person. I wasn't doing this maliciously, it was just "my way" and apparently, I didn't know any better.

Over the years, I have tried to do my best to see MY PART. This isn't always fun or comfortable but in my eyes, necessary for growth and expansion. And just because I own my part doesn't mean that it is received. Sometimes the recipient of my apology would just rather be angry.

I am a competitive person. I love to compete: not just against other people but against myself. I like to "see" what I can do, what I can accomplish.

For many years, my competitive drive was fueled by insecurity and lack of self worth. I wanted to do well at school to please the teachers. I wanted to play golf and soccer well to be accepted by my peers, I wanted to complete marathons for the praise.

The New Year is upon us, and for many resolutions will be set and abandoned within the first 8 weeks of the year. Those resolutions were more than likely set to achieve some level of happiness – financial, physical or emotional.

THIS year, let’s quit some stuff in order to move towards happiness rather than adding, abandoning and then feeling the subsequent self-loathing for lack of achievement.

Life is like an ocean. It ebbs and flows. The only certainty is that there isn’t any. {except for death & taxes}.

Things change. Our children move from grade school to high school. They graduate. They leave the home. We change jobs or retire or leave careers to start families. We get sober, we recover, we move on.

I have written and talked about my abuse of drugs and alcohol to manage and cope on many occassions. I have rarely written about the underlying issues and decisions that led me to a very dark place that nearly took my life.

In light of both Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade taking their lives this week, I wanted to share my personal experience. I wanted to share so that others may feel comfortable to reach out for help and it is my way to reduce and perhaps, help eradicate the stigma of mental illness. Your brain, just like your heart, liver, lungs and kidneys sometimes gets sick. There is NO SHAME in asking for help and getting well.

The culmination was the meltdown on the bamboo floor but there were a few signs before the meltdown; questions and angst and sickness. THEN the meltdown and subsequent realization. The realization was that I was seeking permission and approval in many aspects of my life, not just a few. And this was bothersome as I am not one to ask for permission or seek approval, from anyone.