Hello Jen. It’s Me, Depression.
I have written and talked about my abuse of drugs and alcohol to manage and cope on many occassions. I have rarely written about the underlying issues and decisions that led me to a very dark place that nearly took my life.
In light of both Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade taking their lives this week, I wanted to share my personal experience. I wanted to share so that others may feel comfortable to reach out for help and it is my way to reduce and perhaps, help eradicate the stigma of mental illness. Your brain, just like your heart, liver, lungs and kidneys sometimes gets sick. There is NO SHAME in asking for help and getting well.
Much of what I am going to tell you is wisdom that I have gained over 9 years of thoughtful, compassionate introspection. None of it was known to me, at the time.
As long as I can remember, I have been a “task master”. I have/had a tremendous amount of will that has served me well in many respects and has proven to be a disastrous trait in others. Being a task master/type A/perfectionist person has caused a LOT of anxiety; especially when my self- imposed expectations were not met. I also am/was uncomfortable with small talk and crowds. I spent much of my youth and adulthood trying to “fit in”.
When I was 14, I had my first beer and when that first, bitter sip went down my throat, I felt a sense of relief, calm and freedom. The unfortunate part is that, over time, I needed MORE to achieve the same feeling. And then that feeling became elusive…and I chased it, HARD and with all the self will and vigor that I had.
There were MANY times that I medicated my social anxiety with booze and drugs. At first, I would get to the party, event, gathering and then start drinking but after a while, I *needed* to have something before I arrived. My brain and my decision making processes were so compromised, as I look back. It truly was INSANITY. There is no way that I would make the same decisions today, with a clear mind and full heart. I wouldn’t choose any of it.
I thought, many times, that the despair, sadness, hopelessness and negativity that I felt was just “my lot in life”. I just wasn’t a happy person and I had to “deal with it”. So, I drank more. I abused cocaine. And the spiral continued.
I sought out therapy but mostly to complain about bad relationships. I lied about my use of alcohol and drugs and never used the words anxiety or depression. Even with the therapist, I wanted to make myself look good.
In 2008, I was AGAIN in a bad relationship. It was abusive both physically and verbally. My anxiety and depression was at an all time high and (like many times before) I didn’t want to live. The difference, this time, was that I went to my garage with my dog Lucy, got in to my SUV, and turned the engine on with the garage door closed.
I don’t know how long I sat there. I was in tears and in disbelief that *this* is what my life had turned in to. I vividly remember looking into the back seat and seeing Lucy, mouth closed, just staring at me. As I turned around and leaned my seat back, “something” inside of me shouted “TURN OFF THE CAR!”. I now describe it as my Soul voice. Some describe it as their intuition or God. It was NOT a whisper and it wasn’t “thought” either.
It startled me. I sat up, still crying, and turned off the car. My head hurt. I got Lucy out of the car and we walked back in to the house and I sat on the couch sobbing. The shame and the guilt of putting Lucy in the car, the thought of my parents and brother being phoned with the news that I was dead was crushing. I was miserable and hopeless and had no idea what I should do.
Within 6 months of that day, I walked in to an AA meeting. HOW I got to that meeting is a different story. You can read that here, if you would like.
The anxiety and depression lifted over the next two years of being sober. I ate better, I took care of myself physically, I slept better. I was still not a big fan of crowds or small talk but I did not feel a need to escape. I felt more hopeful and had the will to live. Everything seemed new in sobriety. I had a new lease on life and was truly happy.
In 2011, I was blessed to give birth to my son, Lucas. The toll, however, that it took on my body and mind was not great. I had migraines. I was angry. I cried at everything. I was, again, miserable. I had scary thoughts about leaving my family and abandoning Lucas.
When I went for my check -ups, I remember the doctor asking me how I was doing and if I had any signs of post- partum depression. She never even looked at me. She never gave me the space or the safety to actually answer the question. I was scared to tell her how I was feeling and what I was thinking for fear that Lucas would be taken away from me or that I would end up in scary psych ward. So, I didn’t.
It took me EIGHTEEN months and many tears to make an appointment with my general practitioner (a man) to say that I didn’t feel right. He was SO amazing. He listened. He agreed that I shouldn’t feel the way that I did and offered to put me on medication.
I was told on MANY occasions in that 12- step program that I shouldn’t be on medication; that if I took medication, I wasn’t sober and that I would have to “re-start” my sobriety. I look back now and am appalled at how dangerous that “advice” was and how incredibly short sighted and ignorant it was. I am grateful that my self- will and stubbornness directed me to say “enough”.
After about 6 months, I slowly came off the medication. Whatever needed to “re-set”, did. I am forever grateful for that doctor. He was compassionate, gentle and wise.
Over the years, my quest for wellness, both physically and emotionally, has led me to many modalities; yoga, meditation, Tibetan sound healing, therapy, gut health, nutrition, faith and more. I continue to be willing and open to all information as I believe that my life depends on it.
I am living proof that there is hope and light beyond the despair and darkness. I also know that when you are in the throws of depression, it is very difficult to get out. The mind seems to rationalize the negative thoughts. I want you to know that the thoughts are lies. And if all you can believe right now is that *I* believe that… then that is a start.
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”-Leonard Cohen